What Not To Say To Me When I Am Depressed

There are many things that people say to me when I am in the depths of depression that not only don’t help, but sometimes make things worse. Here are a few:

Watch a funny movie, go out and have some fun, do something nice for yourself.

Think positive thoughts. Be more positive. Don’t be so negative.

Grin and bear it. Just smile more.

It’s all in your head.

Are you taking your medications?

Just snap out of it. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. You just need a good kick in the butt.

This too shall pass.

Try losing some weight. (Not only does this make it worse but it also has the potential to make a person violent) I am not an imbecile and this is not a new concept for me. I have been trying to lose weight my whole life.

The worst by far is when people say things like “You have so much to be grateful for,” or “When you get depressed just think of all of those who are less fortunate than you.” This seems like a logical solution but the problem for me is that then leads to overwhelming feelings of guilt. Plus, just because I am depressed doesn’t mean I am ungrateful for what I have. I have written before about the Gratitude Perspective and I am a firm believer in it, but when I am in the depths of depression, guilt and feelings of worthlessness begin to boil and come to the surface when I look around me and take note of all of the things I have to be grateful for. Why was I lucky enough to be born in an amazing country where I have access to education, medical care, food, and clean running water when so many other people were born in the worst conditions known to humanity? Why was I lucky enough to end up with an amazingly supportive husband when there are women who are abused or ignored by their husbands? I am no better than those who are less fortunate than me. I am no more deserving of what I have than those who have less than what I do.

Now, for those of you reading my blog who might be feeling bad because you have said these things to me in the past I completely understand that you said these things out of love and a genuine intent to help, so don’t feel bad or guilty. I realize in some ways I am “preaching to the choir” but it helps to vent my frustration even if the message is not reaching the audience who most needs to hear it. Just think of this as a public service announcement of sorts. I am also interested to see what some other folks who deal with depression find unhelpful and frustrating.

Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!

Gratitude Perspective 8/24/2010

Today while I was cursing the public bathroom facilities at work I found it a perfect chance to practice the Gratitude Perspective. Suddenly, mid curse I remembered the fact that there are millions of girls in Africa who are unable to go to school because they don’t have things as basic as maxi pads and tampons. They also don’t have a place at home or school where they can take care of those monthly issues. That means that if they were in school (which most can’t afford), they would have to miss one week a month because of their period. They would fall behind so much that they would eventually have to drop out, or the school would kick them out due to absences. So while we curse the “monthly curse” we can at least be thankful that we have a grocery store aisle full of tampons and maxi pads to choose from. Plus, we have feminine spray, feminine wipes, Pamprin, Midol, and most important of all CHOCOLATE!

Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!

Birthday Reflections

Since it’s my birthday I though it might be good to reflect on and really look at what I have to be thankful for. I wrote about the Gratitude Perspective a while back but haven’t touched on it since. It’s not that I haven’t been thinking about it or trying to practice it, I just haven’t really been able to figure out how to fit it into a blog post. However, with it being my birthday it seemed like an appropriate time to stop and reflect.


First of all, my biggest blessing is my husband. If it wasn’t for Jeff I don’t know what shape I would be in. He is truly my rock. I have never felt as though I deserve him but I can’t even put into words how much I love him and appreciate him and all he does. Then, I have my doggies who give me so much joy. We are so lucky to be in position to have our furbabies.

Just in the past few months I have been able to reconnect with my Aunt Lynn and cousins, Gwen and Vanessa. I haven’t talked with them in years and it has been wonderful catching up, remembering good times and creating new memories.

I also think it is import to look at those things that we all often take for granted. The fact that we both have jobs is amazing, and the fact that we work in a country that protects workers from exploitation and inhumane conditions is something we don’t always remember to be thankful for. I am lucky to work in a beautiful, climate controlled building, and I am rarely ever expected to work more than 40 hours a week. While as a social worker my wages may not be on the high side, I am still able to put a roof over my head and can afford to find transportation (be it owning a car or using cabs or public transit) and feed and clothe myself. With my hubby’s income we are able to live what most people in 3rd world countries would consider a life of luxury. Heck, people in this country might feel the same way. We have air conditioning and heating, indoor plumbing, electricity, cable TV, internet, iPhones, computers, an iPad and so on. We have A LOT to be thankful for.

To top it off, I had to go to my first therapy appointment with my new insurance and found out that ALL OUTPAITENT MENTAL HEALTH SERVICES are covered 100%, therefore there is NO COPAY! This includes my Psychiatrist appointments and my therapy appointments! That is HUGE for us because my mental health Dr. visits are what cost us the most as far as health care costs. That was probably the biggest birthday present I got today. Of course, even with copays I am thankful to just have health insurance especially when many don’t. Plus, there are even more people throughout the world that don’t even have access to basic medical care. When I say basic medical care I mean that there are large numbers of people in Africa that DIE from diarrhea. The likelihood of that happening to any of us is almost nil. Hell, my dogs get better medical care than many of the people in third world countries.

Another thing that I often feel grateful for is my education. There have been many clients on my case load over the years that either could not read at all or whose reading skills were at a level with which they could barely function in society. I am so thankful for the opportunities that I have had to further my education and better myself. I am no where near the smartest person or most educated person on the block, but I have had opportunities that many will never get and I am forever grateful for that.

I have lived another year and hope to live another more. Maybe I can make this the year of gratitude.

Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!

Gratitude Perspective

Last year I read a book by the name of Half the Sky by Nicholas D. Kristof and Sheryl WuDun that gave me a whole new perspective on life. The book showed us the lives of many women from Africa and Asia who are living in horribly dire circumstances. We are talking about circumstances most of us in the United States have never witnessed. Story after story is shared of women suffering without running water, sewer systems, and electricity. Some have a makeshift tent for a home, others are “lucky” enough to have a one room hut. Many of these women and their children survive for months on what we in the United States eat in one week. There is no health care, and I don’t mean that they have no health insurance, I mean there is not a doctor, much less a clinic or hospital within any reasonable distance. Babies and adults DIE of diarrhea. As if this all isn’t bad enough, then you add to it the violence these women face. Many women have stories so brutal they make the slasher films of Hollywood look down right G-rated. Basic education is almost unheard of. Girls and boys getting an elementary education is something celebrated with the same enthusiasm that we use to celebrate the completion of a doctoral degree. Even then, having the ability to read or write doesn’t mean there is anything to read or anything to write on or with. Even if one does have the supplies with which to read and write, one probably doesn’t have the freedom to read and write what one wants. What makes all of this even more astounding is that this is not the overblown stories of an unlucky few in far reaching areas of African and Asia. These are the everyday stories of MILLIONS of people.


Now let’s compare that to my situation right this second. At this moment I am sitting at a desk in an air conditioned building. There are bathrooms just down the hallway and I have clean running water available at one of probably 30 sinks in my office building. I have a job in which I am guaranteed certain rights to not be overworked and exploited. I have a college degree and can read and write whatever I want whenever I want. There is no fear of being raped, beaten or thrown in jail simply for what I read or what I write on my blog or on Facebook. My opinions fall from my mouth and fingers on a daily basis and my biggest fear is someone leaving a nasty comment on my Facebook page. There is so much food available to me that I have a severe weight problem. Most of us eat because it tastes good, not because we are hungry. Medical care is just a phone call, car ride, or ambulance ride away. The likelihood of me dying of diarrhea is nil. Even if I lost my job and home right this second there are still homeless shelters to go to that are like living in the lap of luxury compared to circumstances described in the beginning of this post.

I call this my Gratitude Perspective. When I am really low or frustrated I try to compare whatever situation I am in to the circumstances of the women in Half the Sky. It never fails to bring about some sort of attitude adjustment.

Here is a link to the book discussed in this post.

http://search.barnesandnoble.com/Half-the-Sky/Nicholas-D-Kristof/e/9780307387097/?pwb=2

Also, you will find a link for the Half the Sky website in my links section. PLEASE take a second to check it out. You can find a ton of information there as well as links to AMAZING charities dedicated to helping the women of the world. One of my favorites is Women for Women International. There is a link for WFWI in my links section as well.

Tiny Giraffe Kisses to Everyone!