I have decided to start graduate school in order to get my Master's in Social Work. I got the good news that I have not passed the deadline for the Spring Semester but I only have until Friday to get everything in. This is not a simple application that you just have to fill out and turn in. It requires an essay, matriculation plan, resume, 3 recomendations to the program and several other forms. I am having a full blown anxiety attack...heart pounding, stomach in knots, chest tight, feel like I may throw up or pass out. I want this so bad and I am so scared I won't get accepted. I have the resume completed exept for hours of profreading....there can be NO mistakes, none. I just started on the essay and have the first paragraph...but I have 5 more pages to go. Tomorrow I have to go and get started on getting official transcripts together. UGH! I though writing this would help, but it's not.
I will keep everyone posted.
Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!
Showing posts with label My Insanity. Show all posts
Showing posts with label My Insanity. Show all posts
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Outpatient
The outpatient program is going well. This program is much better than the other program that I have been in the past 3 times I was hospitalized. It is more intensive, but I am very happy about that. My blogging is taking a back seat mainly because I am journaling so much. Journaling has always been helpful for me even in middle school and high school, but I don't always take the time to do it now that I am an adult. I let life get in the way too easily. The therapist in charge of the program is almost insistent that we journal so I have really been getting back into the habit. It is so very helpful and important. I am going to have to make myself keep it up.
As far as medication goes my doctor put me on Pristiq for my depression. We will see how that goes.
I turned in my paperwork for my short term disability today. This is something that has been a big source of anxiety for me. Hopefully things will go well. I have plenty of people in my court. My psychiatrist, therapist, and the people at the outpatient clinic. Surely that will be enough to give the insurance company what they want. We will see.
I am sure my spelling and grammar is off today. Sorry.
Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!
As far as medication goes my doctor put me on Pristiq for my depression. We will see how that goes.
I turned in my paperwork for my short term disability today. This is something that has been a big source of anxiety for me. Hopefully things will go well. I have plenty of people in my court. My psychiatrist, therapist, and the people at the outpatient clinic. Surely that will be enough to give the insurance company what they want. We will see.
I am sure my spelling and grammar is off today. Sorry.
Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Update
There have been a lot of things happening this past week. I will be taking a leave of absence from work. Last week I spoke with my psychiatrist, therapist, HR director at work, my boss, and of course The Hubby and things are slowly falling into place. My boss was nothing but supportive and was not judgmental in the least. There is a great program that I will be enrolling in during my time off. It is sort of an outpatient program that is only for women. From the research I have done I think this will be better than the outpatient program I have attended in the past. The best part is that I spoke with the person who handles the insurance for the program and she said my insurance covers the program costs 100%. I was speechless when she said this and actually made her check again just to make sure. This next week will be focused on getting the FMLA paperwork done and wrapping up things at work. My appointment for assessment and enrollment in the program is a week from this coming Monday. I am having some anxiety about everything and I get completely overwhelmed at times but everyone is being very helpful and supportive. I am very lucky.
Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!
What Not To Say To Me When I Am Depressed
There are many things that people say to me when I am in the depths of depression that not only don’t help, but sometimes make things worse. Here are a few:
Watch a funny movie, go out and have some fun, do something nice for yourself.
Think positive thoughts. Be more positive. Don’t be so negative.
Grin and bear it. Just smile more.
It’s all in your head.
Are you taking your medications?
Just snap out of it. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. You just need a good kick in the butt.
This too shall pass.
Try losing some weight. (Not only does this make it worse but it also has the potential to make a person violent) I am not an imbecile and this is not a new concept for me. I have been trying to lose weight my whole life.
The worst by far is when people say things like “You have so much to be grateful for,” or “When you get depressed just think of all of those who are less fortunate than you.” This seems like a logical solution but the problem for me is that then leads to overwhelming feelings of guilt. Plus, just because I am depressed doesn’t mean I am ungrateful for what I have. I have written before about the Gratitude Perspective and I am a firm believer in it, but when I am in the depths of depression, guilt and feelings of worthlessness begin to boil and come to the surface when I look around me and take note of all of the things I have to be grateful for. Why was I lucky enough to be born in an amazing country where I have access to education, medical care, food, and clean running water when so many other people were born in the worst conditions known to humanity? Why was I lucky enough to end up with an amazingly supportive husband when there are women who are abused or ignored by their husbands? I am no better than those who are less fortunate than me. I am no more deserving of what I have than those who have less than what I do.
Now, for those of you reading my blog who might be feeling bad because you have said these things to me in the past I completely understand that you said these things out of love and a genuine intent to help, so don’t feel bad or guilty. I realize in some ways I am “preaching to the choir” but it helps to vent my frustration even if the message is not reaching the audience who most needs to hear it. Just think of this as a public service announcement of sorts. I am also interested to see what some other folks who deal with depression find unhelpful and frustrating.
Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!
Watch a funny movie, go out and have some fun, do something nice for yourself.
Think positive thoughts. Be more positive. Don’t be so negative.
Grin and bear it. Just smile more.
It’s all in your head.
Are you taking your medications?
Just snap out of it. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. You just need a good kick in the butt.
This too shall pass.
Try losing some weight. (Not only does this make it worse but it also has the potential to make a person violent) I am not an imbecile and this is not a new concept for me. I have been trying to lose weight my whole life.
The worst by far is when people say things like “You have so much to be grateful for,” or “When you get depressed just think of all of those who are less fortunate than you.” This seems like a logical solution but the problem for me is that then leads to overwhelming feelings of guilt. Plus, just because I am depressed doesn’t mean I am ungrateful for what I have. I have written before about the Gratitude Perspective and I am a firm believer in it, but when I am in the depths of depression, guilt and feelings of worthlessness begin to boil and come to the surface when I look around me and take note of all of the things I have to be grateful for. Why was I lucky enough to be born in an amazing country where I have access to education, medical care, food, and clean running water when so many other people were born in the worst conditions known to humanity? Why was I lucky enough to end up with an amazingly supportive husband when there are women who are abused or ignored by their husbands? I am no better than those who are less fortunate than me. I am no more deserving of what I have than those who have less than what I do.
Now, for those of you reading my blog who might be feeling bad because you have said these things to me in the past I completely understand that you said these things out of love and a genuine intent to help, so don’t feel bad or guilty. I realize in some ways I am “preaching to the choir” but it helps to vent my frustration even if the message is not reaching the audience who most needs to hear it. Just think of this as a public service announcement of sorts. I am also interested to see what some other folks who deal with depression find unhelpful and frustrating.
Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Depression
I am starting to think a leave of absence from work may be necessary. My therapist and I spent my whole session today discussing my depression and the benefits of me taking leave. I was hoping that once the drama with The Hubby’s mom calmed down that I would feel better, but I don’t. I seem to just be getting worse. I don’t think I have worked a full work week in over a month. When I am at work I can’t function. When I am at home I can’t function either. Taking a shower or brushing my hair is overwhelming. Getting dressed takes all of the metal effort I have. I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything. I don’t even read much anymore. I am rarely online and my blog is slow going. I don’t want to shop and I don’t want to go to the bookstore. I don’t want to go anywhere but I don’t want to be at home either. Sleeping is the only thing I find enjoyable and that isn’t even the right word because I don’t really enjoy it, it just allows me an escape. I just don’t want to stress The Hubby out anymore than he is already stressed. I go see my psychiatrist tomorrow afternoon and I will see what she thinks. Maybe that will help me make up my mind. I still haven’t gotten the courage to talk to my boss yet. That really scares me and drains me of all of my energy just thinking about it.
Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
Not Much Better
I got some really good sleep last night so that has helped my mental stability a little bit but not a lot. At least it is some improvement. Of course, I am off of work today so that means I have skirted my responsibilities and am not fully functioning.
My husband got the carpet pulled up in our bedroom and painted the floor. While this is something that we have wanted to do for years now it means our house is in disarray, even more so than normal. This has me highly stressed out. The bed is in the living room, the dresser in the master bathroom, the night stands are in the hallway, the clothes are in the dinning room. I am about to lose my mind. My aunt has done so much to help us get the house in order and now it feels like the house is back to where we started. I pray that once the bedroom gets put back together and I no longer have bedroom furniture strewn all over the house I will start to feel better.
I also saw my psychiatrist yesterday and she raised my antidepressant dosage. Next week I will also start therapy again. It worries me a little because it is one other thing on my plate. Obviously, it is completely necessary so I will have to make it work.
Tonight I am meeting with a lady who is interested in adopting Shandy. I really need this to work out. She is impossible around Kya and it is not fair to Kya. We also really need a break. Having 6 dogs in the house is completely overwhelming. I feel so guilty for taking a break, but I am close to falling apart.
Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!
My husband got the carpet pulled up in our bedroom and painted the floor. While this is something that we have wanted to do for years now it means our house is in disarray, even more so than normal. This has me highly stressed out. The bed is in the living room, the dresser in the master bathroom, the night stands are in the hallway, the clothes are in the dinning room. I am about to lose my mind. My aunt has done so much to help us get the house in order and now it feels like the house is back to where we started. I pray that once the bedroom gets put back together and I no longer have bedroom furniture strewn all over the house I will start to feel better.
I also saw my psychiatrist yesterday and she raised my antidepressant dosage. Next week I will also start therapy again. It worries me a little because it is one other thing on my plate. Obviously, it is completely necessary so I will have to make it work.
Tonight I am meeting with a lady who is interested in adopting Shandy. I really need this to work out. She is impossible around Kya and it is not fair to Kya. We also really need a break. Having 6 dogs in the house is completely overwhelming. I feel so guilty for taking a break, but I am close to falling apart.
Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!
Monday, September 20, 2010
Falling Apart
Well Kya went to the vet today. I wanted her to have a check up because she has been having chronic diarrhea for the past month. The lady that we got her from had her on Albon and some probiotics with only minimal results. We were informed by the vet that chronic diarrhea in cats is the hardest thing to diagnose and treat. I find this a bit overwhelming and it breaks my heart for our little Kya. A fecal exam was done and was negative but he gave her a dewormer anyway because he was not able to get a whole lot for the fecal exam and he said that sometimes there can be bad stuff in the upper GI tract that doesn’t show up in the fecal. The vet also prescribed and anti diarrhea medication (Pro-Pectalin Gel), a prescription diet for sensitive stomachs (EN Purina). I pray this gives us some results.
One of our foster dogs, Shandy, is about to drive me crazy as well. She just won’t give Kya a minutes rest. We have been in the process of getting her adopted but it won’t happen overnight and it’s never a guarantee that the adoption won’t fall through at the last minute. It’s not as simple as moving her to another foster home either because the group is low on foster homes. We are unsure of the best way to handle the situation because this is the only dog in the house that can jump a baby gate so that doesn't help to keep Shandy contained. Shandy means no harm at all. She just wants to play but that doesn’t make Kya feel any better. Kya was around dogs her whole life, but Shandy is a little over bearing. There is an extra bedroom in our house that is vacant and we have turned it into Kya’s Room, but I don’t want her separated from me at all. Keeping the foster sequestered is hard because she barks incessantly and it stresses both Kya and me out. I am trying to find comfort in the fact that this situation is not going to last forever because Shandy will be adopted eventually, but I am impatient and want Kya to be able to get used to her new home.
This leads me into another issue. We have made the hard decision to quit fostering for a little while once these two fosters have been adopted or moved. This isn’t a permanent change and we will continue to do transport and other volunteer work, but our pack needs a break and I need a break. We tried to take a break earlier this year but the guilt got to me and I gave in and ended up with two fosters. I am hoping I can stick to the plan better this time.
My mental health feels like it is faltering. My stress level is through the roof, focus is non existent, and I am starting to not function well. I called in sick to work today and already called in for tomorrow too. I feel like I am starting to fall apart. I hate this. With my aunt’s help I am finally getting my house in order but I am starting to fall apart in every other way. That is always my problem. I can’t seem to get more than one thing in order at a time. These are the times I begin to hate myself.
Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!
One of our foster dogs, Shandy, is about to drive me crazy as well. She just won’t give Kya a minutes rest. We have been in the process of getting her adopted but it won’t happen overnight and it’s never a guarantee that the adoption won’t fall through at the last minute. It’s not as simple as moving her to another foster home either because the group is low on foster homes. We are unsure of the best way to handle the situation because this is the only dog in the house that can jump a baby gate so that doesn't help to keep Shandy contained. Shandy means no harm at all. She just wants to play but that doesn’t make Kya feel any better. Kya was around dogs her whole life, but Shandy is a little over bearing. There is an extra bedroom in our house that is vacant and we have turned it into Kya’s Room, but I don’t want her separated from me at all. Keeping the foster sequestered is hard because she barks incessantly and it stresses both Kya and me out. I am trying to find comfort in the fact that this situation is not going to last forever because Shandy will be adopted eventually, but I am impatient and want Kya to be able to get used to her new home.
This leads me into another issue. We have made the hard decision to quit fostering for a little while once these two fosters have been adopted or moved. This isn’t a permanent change and we will continue to do transport and other volunteer work, but our pack needs a break and I need a break. We tried to take a break earlier this year but the guilt got to me and I gave in and ended up with two fosters. I am hoping I can stick to the plan better this time.
My mental health feels like it is faltering. My stress level is through the roof, focus is non existent, and I am starting to not function well. I called in sick to work today and already called in for tomorrow too. I feel like I am starting to fall apart. I hate this. With my aunt’s help I am finally getting my house in order but I am starting to fall apart in every other way. That is always my problem. I can’t seem to get more than one thing in order at a time. These are the times I begin to hate myself.
Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
So Far So Good
Well today has been going well so far. Another day of productivity at work and the day isn't even over yet. I am still experiencing a bit of a sore throat and a cough but it's getting better, not worse. Both will probably be gone by tomorrow.
It may seem pessimistic to say this, but I wish I could know how long this good phase will last before I crash and burn. When you have BPD it is inevitable that you will crash and burn as some point no matter how good you have been doing and how long you have been doing good. The most irritating part is you have no idea when that will be and how much “sanity” you have left until all reason, energy and mental wellness drains out of you. Sometimes it is a slow trickle and I feel sanity leaving a small bit at a time and I have time to prepare or prevent, but other times it’s like a dam breaks and the stability and rationality rushes out as the darkness, loneliness and insanity floods me without warning. It’s kind of like hurricanes and tornadoes. Sometimes I get warnings like you do with a hurricane, days in advance with plenty of time for preparations. Other times are like tornadoes, with only minutes or seconds of warning and I have no time to get to a stable structure. For now I will try and enjoy the good times. I sure hope they last.
Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!!!
It may seem pessimistic to say this, but I wish I could know how long this good phase will last before I crash and burn. When you have BPD it is inevitable that you will crash and burn as some point no matter how good you have been doing and how long you have been doing good. The most irritating part is you have no idea when that will be and how much “sanity” you have left until all reason, energy and mental wellness drains out of you. Sometimes it is a slow trickle and I feel sanity leaving a small bit at a time and I have time to prepare or prevent, but other times it’s like a dam breaks and the stability and rationality rushes out as the darkness, loneliness and insanity floods me without warning. It’s kind of like hurricanes and tornadoes. Sometimes I get warnings like you do with a hurricane, days in advance with plenty of time for preparations. Other times are like tornadoes, with only minutes or seconds of warning and I have no time to get to a stable structure. For now I will try and enjoy the good times. I sure hope they last.
Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!!!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Good Day - Balanced
It was an amazingly balanced and good day. For the first time in weeks I was productive at work. Then, I got some errands done on my way home. Once home I mopped my kitchen floor and cleaned up piddle on the living room floor. I sure hope this lasts! I wish I could bottle this and save it for those bad days that come and hit me like a bus. It's crazy when I compare where I am today to where I was just a week ago! I HATE BPD! I just want to be stable, to know that I can count on how I am going to function from one day to the next.
Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!
Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Blah, Blah, Blah
I think I will just ramble tonight. I have a lot on my mind.
Borderline Personality Disorder is still on my mind. I am still convinced that this may be what is wrong with me. Now the question is what do I do about it? Should I even bring it up with my psychiatrist? Is it going to change how she treats me? Will she even agree? Does it even matter?
My Aunt came over Monday and began helping me get my house clean and in order. There are not words for how much I appreciate this. I have been too embarrassed to ask for help for a very long time. Plus, I am not all that fond of having strangers around my dogs. My Aunt is wonderful and so nonjudgmental and loves my doggies! She even wants to help me paint and decorate! That would be doubly amazing because she has a real talent for that kind of thing and I have an amazing LACK of talent for that kind of thing.
Work is crazy. I can’t focus for the life of me and haven’t gotten a damn thing done in almost a month. The girl who was once my best friend has managed to stab almost everyone in the back and no one in my unit at work is talking to her. I am still working on my lessons for this whole situation. Oddly enough I am not near as hurt as I thought I would be. Honestly, I am more disgusted by the whole thing and I feel a bit sorry for her because it is clear that she is miserable in her life and just jealous of what we all have.
This whole Islam-hate issue is still baffling to me. Seriously, a Koran burning? Grow the fuck up. You can’t burn the holy book of an entire religion and say you are only doing it in protest of the radicals of that that religion. It would be like burning the Bible because of Fred Phelps.
There was some interesting breaking news this week. Stephen Hawkins said God did not create the universe. In other news, Sarah Palin is still an idiot and embarrassment to human kind.
Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!
Borderline Personality Disorder is still on my mind. I am still convinced that this may be what is wrong with me. Now the question is what do I do about it? Should I even bring it up with my psychiatrist? Is it going to change how she treats me? Will she even agree? Does it even matter?
My Aunt came over Monday and began helping me get my house clean and in order. There are not words for how much I appreciate this. I have been too embarrassed to ask for help for a very long time. Plus, I am not all that fond of having strangers around my dogs. My Aunt is wonderful and so nonjudgmental and loves my doggies! She even wants to help me paint and decorate! That would be doubly amazing because she has a real talent for that kind of thing and I have an amazing LACK of talent for that kind of thing.
Work is crazy. I can’t focus for the life of me and haven’t gotten a damn thing done in almost a month. The girl who was once my best friend has managed to stab almost everyone in the back and no one in my unit at work is talking to her. I am still working on my lessons for this whole situation. Oddly enough I am not near as hurt as I thought I would be. Honestly, I am more disgusted by the whole thing and I feel a bit sorry for her because it is clear that she is miserable in her life and just jealous of what we all have.
This whole Islam-hate issue is still baffling to me. Seriously, a Koran burning? Grow the fuck up. You can’t burn the holy book of an entire religion and say you are only doing it in protest of the radicals of that that religion. It would be like burning the Bible because of Fred Phelps.
There was some interesting breaking news this week. Stephen Hawkins said God did not create the universe. In other news, Sarah Palin is still an idiot and embarrassment to human kind.
Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)