Outpatient

The outpatient program is going well. This program is much better than the other program that I have been in the past 3 times I was hospitalized. It is more intensive, but I am very happy about that. My blogging is taking a back seat mainly because I am journaling so much. Journaling has always been helpful for me even in middle school and high school, but I don't always take the time to do it now that I am an adult. I let life get in the way too easily. The therapist in charge of the program is almost insistent that we journal so I have really been getting back into the habit. It is so very helpful and important. I am going to have to make myself keep it up.

As far as medication goes my doctor put me on Pristiq for my depression. We will see how that goes.

I turned in my paperwork for my short term disability today. This is something that has been a big source of anxiety for me. Hopefully things will go well. I have plenty of people in my court. My psychiatrist, therapist, and the people at the outpatient clinic. Surely that will be enough to give the insurance company what they want. We will see.

I am sure my spelling and grammar is off today. Sorry.

Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!

Update

There have been a lot of things happening this past week. I will be taking a leave of absence from work. Last week I spoke with my psychiatrist, therapist, HR director at work, my boss, and of course The Hubby and things are slowly falling into place. My boss was nothing but supportive and was not judgmental in the least. There is a great program that I will be enrolling in during my time off. It is sort of an outpatient program that is only for women. From the research I have done I think this will be better than the outpatient program I have attended in the past. The best part is that I spoke with the person who handles the insurance for the program and she said my insurance covers the program costs 100%. I was speechless when she said this and actually made her check again just to make sure. This next week will be focused on getting the FMLA paperwork done and wrapping up things at work. My appointment for assessment and enrollment in the program is a week from this coming Monday. I am having some anxiety about everything and I get completely overwhelmed at times but everyone is being very helpful and supportive. I am very lucky.

Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!

What Not To Say To Me When I Am Depressed

There are many things that people say to me when I am in the depths of depression that not only don’t help, but sometimes make things worse. Here are a few:

Watch a funny movie, go out and have some fun, do something nice for yourself.

Think positive thoughts. Be more positive. Don’t be so negative.

Grin and bear it. Just smile more.

It’s all in your head.

Are you taking your medications?

Just snap out of it. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. You just need a good kick in the butt.

This too shall pass.

Try losing some weight. (Not only does this make it worse but it also has the potential to make a person violent) I am not an imbecile and this is not a new concept for me. I have been trying to lose weight my whole life.

The worst by far is when people say things like “You have so much to be grateful for,” or “When you get depressed just think of all of those who are less fortunate than you.” This seems like a logical solution but the problem for me is that then leads to overwhelming feelings of guilt. Plus, just because I am depressed doesn’t mean I am ungrateful for what I have. I have written before about the Gratitude Perspective and I am a firm believer in it, but when I am in the depths of depression, guilt and feelings of worthlessness begin to boil and come to the surface when I look around me and take note of all of the things I have to be grateful for. Why was I lucky enough to be born in an amazing country where I have access to education, medical care, food, and clean running water when so many other people were born in the worst conditions known to humanity? Why was I lucky enough to end up with an amazingly supportive husband when there are women who are abused or ignored by their husbands? I am no better than those who are less fortunate than me. I am no more deserving of what I have than those who have less than what I do.

Now, for those of you reading my blog who might be feeling bad because you have said these things to me in the past I completely understand that you said these things out of love and a genuine intent to help, so don’t feel bad or guilty. I realize in some ways I am “preaching to the choir” but it helps to vent my frustration even if the message is not reaching the audience who most needs to hear it. Just think of this as a public service announcement of sorts. I am also interested to see what some other folks who deal with depression find unhelpful and frustrating.

Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!

Depression

I am starting to think a leave of absence from work may be necessary. My therapist and I spent my whole session today discussing my depression and the benefits of me taking leave. I was hoping that once the drama with The Hubby’s mom calmed down that I would feel better, but I don’t. I seem to just be getting worse. I don’t think I have worked a full work week in over a month. When I am at work I can’t function. When I am at home I can’t function either. Taking a shower or brushing my hair is overwhelming. Getting dressed takes all of the metal effort I have. I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything. I don’t even read much anymore. I am rarely online and my blog is slow going. I don’t want to shop and I don’t want to go to the bookstore. I don’t want to go anywhere but I don’t want to be at home either. Sleeping is the only thing I find enjoyable and that isn’t even the right word because I don’t really enjoy it, it just allows me an escape. I just don’t want to stress The Hubby out anymore than he is already stressed. I go see my psychiatrist tomorrow afternoon and I will see what she thinks. Maybe that will help me make up my mind. I still haven’t gotten the courage to talk to my boss yet. That really scares me and drains me of all of my energy just thinking about it.

Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!