Graduate School Admissions Process ARGGGG!!!!!

I have decided to start graduate school in order to get my Master's in Social Work. I got the good news that I have not passed the deadline for the Spring Semester but I only have until Friday to get everything in. This is not a simple application that you just have to fill out and turn in. It requires an essay, matriculation plan, resume, 3 recomendations to the program and several other forms. I am having a full blown anxiety attack...heart pounding, stomach in knots, chest tight, feel like I may throw up or pass out. I want this so bad and I am so scared I won't get accepted. I have the resume completed exept for hours of profreading....there can be NO mistakes, none. I just started on the essay and have the first paragraph...but I have 5 more pages to go. Tomorrow I have to go and get started on getting official transcripts together. UGH! I though writing this would help, but it's not.
I will keep everyone posted.
Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!

Outpatient

The outpatient program is going well. This program is much better than the other program that I have been in the past 3 times I was hospitalized. It is more intensive, but I am very happy about that. My blogging is taking a back seat mainly because I am journaling so much. Journaling has always been helpful for me even in middle school and high school, but I don't always take the time to do it now that I am an adult. I let life get in the way too easily. The therapist in charge of the program is almost insistent that we journal so I have really been getting back into the habit. It is so very helpful and important. I am going to have to make myself keep it up.

As far as medication goes my doctor put me on Pristiq for my depression. We will see how that goes.

I turned in my paperwork for my short term disability today. This is something that has been a big source of anxiety for me. Hopefully things will go well. I have plenty of people in my court. My psychiatrist, therapist, and the people at the outpatient clinic. Surely that will be enough to give the insurance company what they want. We will see.

I am sure my spelling and grammar is off today. Sorry.

Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!

Leave of Absence

My leave of absence from work started yesterday. The only thing I have left to do is battle with the insurance company regarding my Short Term Disability which will cover 60% of my salary while I am off. I am guessing this is going to be a battle.

Monday I have an appointment for admissions/enrollment in an outpatient program that my insurance is supposed to cover 100% which is absolutely remarkable. It is a women’s program and I am really looking forward to that. Dealing with my self esteem issues is hard enough but throw a bunch of men into the room with me and I just shut down completely. So I am hoping this program may be more helpful and fruitful than the other outpatient program I have attended the last 3 times I have gone. Anxiety is high but I am feeling pretty positive overall.

Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!

Update

There have been a lot of things happening this past week. I will be taking a leave of absence from work. Last week I spoke with my psychiatrist, therapist, HR director at work, my boss, and of course The Hubby and things are slowly falling into place. My boss was nothing but supportive and was not judgmental in the least. There is a great program that I will be enrolling in during my time off. It is sort of an outpatient program that is only for women. From the research I have done I think this will be better than the outpatient program I have attended in the past. The best part is that I spoke with the person who handles the insurance for the program and she said my insurance covers the program costs 100%. I was speechless when she said this and actually made her check again just to make sure. This next week will be focused on getting the FMLA paperwork done and wrapping up things at work. My appointment for assessment and enrollment in the program is a week from this coming Monday. I am having some anxiety about everything and I get completely overwhelmed at times but everyone is being very helpful and supportive. I am very lucky.

Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!

What Not To Say To Me When I Am Depressed

There are many things that people say to me when I am in the depths of depression that not only don’t help, but sometimes make things worse. Here are a few:

Watch a funny movie, go out and have some fun, do something nice for yourself.

Think positive thoughts. Be more positive. Don’t be so negative.

Grin and bear it. Just smile more.

It’s all in your head.

Are you taking your medications?

Just snap out of it. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. You just need a good kick in the butt.

This too shall pass.

Try losing some weight. (Not only does this make it worse but it also has the potential to make a person violent) I am not an imbecile and this is not a new concept for me. I have been trying to lose weight my whole life.

The worst by far is when people say things like “You have so much to be grateful for,” or “When you get depressed just think of all of those who are less fortunate than you.” This seems like a logical solution but the problem for me is that then leads to overwhelming feelings of guilt. Plus, just because I am depressed doesn’t mean I am ungrateful for what I have. I have written before about the Gratitude Perspective and I am a firm believer in it, but when I am in the depths of depression, guilt and feelings of worthlessness begin to boil and come to the surface when I look around me and take note of all of the things I have to be grateful for. Why was I lucky enough to be born in an amazing country where I have access to education, medical care, food, and clean running water when so many other people were born in the worst conditions known to humanity? Why was I lucky enough to end up with an amazingly supportive husband when there are women who are abused or ignored by their husbands? I am no better than those who are less fortunate than me. I am no more deserving of what I have than those who have less than what I do.

Now, for those of you reading my blog who might be feeling bad because you have said these things to me in the past I completely understand that you said these things out of love and a genuine intent to help, so don’t feel bad or guilty. I realize in some ways I am “preaching to the choir” but it helps to vent my frustration even if the message is not reaching the audience who most needs to hear it. Just think of this as a public service announcement of sorts. I am also interested to see what some other folks who deal with depression find unhelpful and frustrating.

Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!

Depression

I am starting to think a leave of absence from work may be necessary. My therapist and I spent my whole session today discussing my depression and the benefits of me taking leave. I was hoping that once the drama with The Hubby’s mom calmed down that I would feel better, but I don’t. I seem to just be getting worse. I don’t think I have worked a full work week in over a month. When I am at work I can’t function. When I am at home I can’t function either. Taking a shower or brushing my hair is overwhelming. Getting dressed takes all of the metal effort I have. I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything. I don’t even read much anymore. I am rarely online and my blog is slow going. I don’t want to shop and I don’t want to go to the bookstore. I don’t want to go anywhere but I don’t want to be at home either. Sleeping is the only thing I find enjoyable and that isn’t even the right word because I don’t really enjoy it, it just allows me an escape. I just don’t want to stress The Hubby out anymore than he is already stressed. I go see my psychiatrist tomorrow afternoon and I will see what she thinks. Maybe that will help me make up my mind. I still haven’t gotten the courage to talk to my boss yet. That really scares me and drains me of all of my energy just thinking about it.

Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!

Too Much Going On

I am at the hospital with my mother in law. My stress level is extremely high. The Hubby is exhausted with working overtime and coming to the hospital after work. I worry about him. Our relationship with his family has always been shaky so these times add extra stress. His mother is not well and is currently living with The Hubby's grandparents, which is not a good situtation becasue both The Hubby's mom and grandfather require constant care by his grandmother. I don't know what we are going to do, but something has to be done. His grandmother is taking care of both of them and she doesn't need to keep doing so. Moving his mother in with us is not the answer because I am not stable enough to take care of anyone and I would be the one taking care of her because The Hubby is the major bread winner in the home. Plus, I think she needs professional care. She is too sick for non medical personell to be taking care of her.
I had my first therapy session with my new therapist today. It went well and I really like her. Things got off to a rough start because the office was in chaos when I arrived because someone didn't show up for work. The therapist was late getting to me because she didn't even know I was there. I was getting anxious while waiting and almost left but I stayed and I am glad I did. There was quite a bit of internal struggle about going at all because I have had maybe 6 hours sleep in the past 3 nights due to The Hubby's family being at our house and his mother being in the hospital so I almost blew the appointment off in leiu of sleep. I was proud of myself for reasoning myself into going because I realized I wouldn't actually sleep if I blew the appointment off so I made myself go. I must admit though that I didn't get a shower in and my hair is unbrushed and in a pony tail. I pray that I don't look or smell offensive.
A leave of absence from work may be in my future because I feel myself spiraling downhill. I don't have much vacation and sick time at work but I do have FMLA and short term disability, but I don't know what that covers. Trying to go through the channels of finding out overwhelms me, which is probably another sign that I need to do it. Sadly, I haven't even had a chance to talk with The Hubby about this yet. He is always supportive, so I am not worried about that, I just don't want to stress him out more. Of course pushing myself until I am back in the hospital again would certainly stress him out, so maybe a leave of absence would be best for all. I just hate doing it. The other issue is that my boss would end up finding out that I am crazy. I know there are laws and stuff but it will be obvious when my paper work comes from a psychiatrist. I dread them finding out. Honestly, I know my boss would be understanding but still...

Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!

Not Much Better

I got some really good sleep last night so that has helped my mental stability a little bit but not a lot. At least it is some improvement. Of course, I am off of work today so that means I have skirted my responsibilities and am not fully functioning.

My husband got the carpet pulled up in our bedroom and painted the floor. While this is something that we have wanted to do for years now it means our house is in disarray, even more so than normal. This has me highly stressed out. The bed is in the living room, the dresser in the master bathroom, the night stands are in the hallway, the clothes are in the dinning room. I am about to lose my mind. My aunt has done so much to help us get the house in order and now it feels like the house is back to where we started. I pray that once the bedroom gets put back together and I no longer have bedroom furniture strewn all over the house I will start to feel better.

I also saw my psychiatrist yesterday and she raised my antidepressant dosage. Next week I will also start therapy again. It worries me a little because it is one other thing on my plate. Obviously, it is completely necessary so I will have to make it work.

Tonight I am meeting with a lady who is interested in adopting Shandy. I really need this to work out. She is impossible around Kya and it is not fair to Kya. We also really need a break. Having 6 dogs in the house is completely overwhelming. I feel so guilty for taking a break, but I am close to falling apart.

Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!

Falling Apart

Well Kya went to the vet today. I wanted her to have a check up because she has been having chronic diarrhea for the past month. The lady that we got her from had her on Albon and some probiotics with only minimal results. We were informed by the vet that chronic diarrhea in cats is the hardest thing to diagnose and treat. I find this a bit overwhelming and it breaks my heart for our little Kya. A fecal exam was done and was negative but he gave her a dewormer anyway because he was not able to get a whole lot for the fecal exam and he said that sometimes there can be bad stuff in the upper GI tract that doesn’t show up in the fecal. The vet also prescribed and anti diarrhea medication (Pro-Pectalin Gel), a prescription diet for sensitive stomachs (EN Purina). I pray this gives us some results.

One of our foster dogs, Shandy, is about to drive me crazy as well. She just won’t give Kya a minutes rest. We have been in the process of getting her adopted but it won’t happen overnight and it’s never a guarantee that the adoption won’t fall through at the last minute. It’s not as simple as moving her to another foster home either because the group is low on foster homes. We are unsure of the best way to handle the situation because this is the only dog in the house that can jump a baby gate so that doesn't help to keep Shandy contained. Shandy means no harm at all. She just wants to play but that doesn’t make Kya feel any better. Kya was around dogs her whole life, but Shandy is a little over bearing. There is an extra bedroom in our house that is vacant and we have turned it into Kya’s Room, but I don’t want her separated from me at all. Keeping the foster sequestered is hard because she barks incessantly and it stresses both Kya and me out. I am trying to find comfort in the fact that this situation is not going to last forever because Shandy will be adopted eventually, but I am impatient and want Kya to be able to get used to her new home.

This leads me into another issue. We have made the hard decision to quit fostering for a little while once these two fosters have been adopted or moved. This isn’t a permanent change and we will continue to do transport and other volunteer work, but our pack needs a break and I need a break. We tried to take a break earlier this year but the guilt got to me and I gave in and ended up with two fosters. I am hoping I can stick to the plan better this time.

My mental health feels like it is faltering. My stress level is through the roof, focus is non existent, and I am starting to not function well. I called in sick to work today and already called in for tomorrow too. I feel like I am starting to fall apart. I hate this. With my aunt’s help I am finally getting my house in order but I am starting to fall apart in every other way. That is always my problem. I can’t seem to get more than one thing in order at a time. These are the times I begin to hate myself.

Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!

I am Drunk, The Hubby is Overwhelmed but I Have the Best Aunt in the World.

I have had a bottle and a half of wine and I am not sure if I am ready to stop yet. I am also not really sure if I am ready to get better either. I have been looking into Dialectical Behavior Therapy and it seems so overwhelming and not at all in line with who I am. But isn’t that the problem? Who I am is sick, messed up, and not working. Ugh! I am so sick of being fucked up. Currently, I am too drunk to describe Dialectical Behavior Therapy, but suffice it to say it is the best therapy to help those with Borderline Personality Disorder, which is the disorder I am currently convinced that I have, and it is about practicing everything I suck at. Was that a run on sentence?

My hubby is overwhelmed. SHOCK! How has he lived with me this long and not become overwhelmed to the point of jumping off a cliff? Poor guy. He doesn’t deserve the tornado-like mess that I am. Truly, he deserves so much better. I drive my own self crazy, how have I not drove him crazy long before now. I don’t think that using “drove” was correct grammar. Haven’t I started too many sentences with “I”? Isn’t that boring and selfish?

I am currently trying to read The Buddha and the Borderline. So far I feel like and idiot and an imbecile, but I am going to keep reading it and trying. I have got to figure out a way to be less crazy and get better. There I go again, starting all of my sentences with “I”. If possible and appropriate I will try and blog about what I learn, but I make no promises.

For this moment I am enjoying the feeling of being drunk.

It occurred to me that I put in the title that I have the Best Aunt in the World, which is true, but in this drunken state I don’t think I can do her justice so I shall write more about that once I am sober.

Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!

Scarcely Functioning, Hurt and Angry

I am not sure what is going on but I am barely hanging on. Last night and the night before did not prove to be restful in the least. My mind has been cloudy lately and today is really bad. Irritability is at an all time high as well. Productivity is low. I am accomplishing almost nothing at work which is especially irritating because I had a few months that were really good and got caught up, and even a bit ahead on things, but now I am behind and completely lost and overwhelmed. There’s not even enough concentration or focus for me to read, which is really scary. Currently I have about 5 books that I am dying to read but I can’t even get through a few pages.


Then, this afternoon I find out that this woman that I WAS “friends” with at work has been saying some of the ugliest things behind my back, and even lied and said that I was saying bad things about the boss and being disrespectful to the boss. This is all after my hubby and I spent well over $800 for her daughter to be on the drill team, at least $500 for their Christmas, and even more $ on random items for the kids. I even gave her a Coach purse (yes a real one)! What is worse is that she is still expecting me to do the fundraising so that when her daughter’s drill team goes to competition later in the year she won’t have to pay for the trip. If the parents (or in this case the unlucky folks who have been taken advantage of) do the fundraisers then they don’t have to pay for the trip.

So let me get this straight. We pay for your daughter to be on drill team but you can’t even get off of your butt and work concessions at 5 football games so that your daughter can go to competition?

Then there’s the time I paid a cell phone bill for her and she proceeded to yell, scream and cuss at me for not asking her about it first. I realize that I should have asked her, but I did NOT deserve to be talked to the way she talked to me. I even took off of work the next day to go and get the money refunded and then she accused me of not doing “what she told me to do”. Newsflash, I am not one of her children. You don’t get to tell me what to do or boss me around.

I am so hurt and angry about this, and I feel so used. How can people be so mean and heartless? I have done nothing but try and help her and help her kids. To make things even worse is her cubicle is right next to mine so I am almost forced to interact with her daily. It makes me sick. At least I am not the only one she has been screwing over. I found out that she has been taking advantage of the other girls at work and stabbing them in the back as well, so I am trying not to take it personally. Plus, she has admitted to hearing voices and has said several times that other members in her family have been diagnosed with Schizophrenia and Bipolar Disorder, so I am also going to chalk a lot of it up to mental instability.

Something has got to give. I am tired, hurt and falling apart.

Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!

Great Mood Tracking/Symptom Tracking Websites

For those of us who are Bipolar, mood tracking can be a very valuable tool. There are many ways to do this on your own but there are some great websites that can help you do it as well. Even better, it's free! The first is MoodTracker it's pretty much just as it sounds. It's pretty simple but not very customizable, what you see is what you get.
The second PatientsLikeMe  has a broader scope that is really about tracking symptoms for everything from mental illnesses to chronic physical illnesses. It is very comprehensive and customizable. You can add your own sypmtoms to the list among other things. Plus, it has a bit of a social networking type feel to it. You can also add cargivers to it so that family members and doctors can keep an eye on your tracking as well. You have to maually add those folks to your site and give them permission to see your info, so you have complete control of the situation.
Both sites also help you monitor your medications and both will give you graphs and printouts of you moods over time and in relation to your medications. PatientsLikeMe has graphs that are more comprehensive becaue you can track an enormous amount of information. You can print these graphs to keep for your records or to take with you to Dr. appointments. Both sites will even allow you to set up notifications so that remiders can be sent to you via email.
Hope someone finds this helpful!
Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!

Are You Taking Your Medication?

One of the reasons I don’t tell people about my Bipolar Disorder is because I hate, Hate, HATE it when I am upset and someone blows me off because of the fact that I am Bipolar. It’s as if my feelings don’t matter because of my Bipolar Disorder. Now, sometimes I admit that I may be irrationally upset about something, but that doesn’t mean that it hurts any less simply because the feelings and reaction are irrational. But sometimes I am rightfully upset for a rational reason and still people blow me off because of my disorder. There is nothing more frustrating and hurtful and I have no idea how to handle those situations. It just makes the situation even worse by upsetting me even more than I was in the first place.

The absolute worst is when I get upset and someone asks “have you been taking your medicine?” There are not words for how upsetting it is when people say that, especially when I am specifically upset with that person because of something they did. When people say that it’s like they are saying “I have done nothing wrong so you can’t possibly be upset with me, therefore the reason you are upset is your fault somehow which must mean you are not taking your meds.” I just want to respond with “yes I have been taking my meds which mean you really are an ass who has done something exceedingly rude and insensitive that has truly hurt my feelings.” Ugh! I hate being Bipolar!

(Please note however there is a difference when a close friend or relative comes to me after seeing me deteriorate over a period of time and calmly talking to me about whether I am taking my meds or if I need to have a med adjustment.)

Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone, Even Those Who Have Asked Me If I Am Taking My Medication!

Another Wonderful Friday (Doctor Visit, Dinner and Movie with My Aunt)

My doctor's appointment went very well. She changed my meds without giving me any trouble. Now we wait and see how it works.
Tonight I went to dinner with my Cousin and Aunt. We had a good time talking and catching up. After dinner we did a bit of shopping and then my Cousin needed to get home to the kids (and to bed, she is less than 2 weeks post-op). After getting my Cousin home, my Aunt and I went to see Eat, Pray, Love. It was really good. I immediately bought the book once we left the movie theater (Hooray for the iPad!). I can't wait to read it. Since it is a story about personal discovery and spiritual journey I think I will get much more out of the book. I hope to write more about that in the future.
For now, I am off to bed!
Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!

Meds Continued

Follow up on Wednesday’s Meds Blog:

I have an appointment today with my Psychiatrist to discuss taking me off the Lithium and putting me on something else that will “play nice” with the other meds my PCP is wanting to put me on. I am a little anxious about the appointment. That is nothing new though. Going to the Dr. always makes me anxious. I don’t get as anxious these days for mental health appointments so today won’t be too bad. Regular medical appointments send my anxiety through the roof however. I dread having to see my PCP again when/if we get my Lithium changed, but I am trying to just focus on today. At least this evening will be fun! My Aunt, Cousin and I are having dinner and a movie tonight! That will help get my mind off things.

Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!

Meds

Well I am back in another tough spot with my meds. One of the meds I am on is Lithium. Last week while at the doctor I found out that I have another medical condition that requires me to go on medication. The problem is most of the medications that I can take for that condition are not meds that I can take while on Lithium. This is going to require that I see a specialist, and if a medication is found that I can take with the Lithium it will require a great deal of monitoring. Just the thought of all of that monitoring makes my stress level skyrocket. I am seriously thinking about calling my Psychiatrist and having her take me off of Lithium and put me on something else. Anyone who is on meds for mental illness knows that this is not as simple or as safe as I have made it sound. I am truly sick of taking meds! I hate this. Why can’t I be normal? I don’t know what to do. My next appointment with my Psychiatrist isn’t until 9/20. I am thinking about calling and trying to get that appointment moved up. Ugh!!!!!!!!

Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!

Crash and Burn

Well my mania was short lived. This is typical though and doesn’t surprise me. It’s always amazing how suddenly my manic episodes end. It is like a light switch. I was literally flying high just an hour before and then suddenly it all crumbled. This morning I was two and a half hours late for work and I am completely non productive. This morning was so bad I actually had fears of hospitalization playing in my head. To top it off, this week is a crazy busy week and I really don’t have the energy to deal with it all now. A lot of it is a product of my overextending myself while manic.

I had a fabulous weekend though. I will blog about that later because I don’t want to mar the telling of it with all of this shit about depression.

I just want to go home and go to bed! What is worse is that I am already behind at work because of my mania fueled blogging last week. If I had the vacation time I would take off, but I used most of it several weeks ago when I took vacation. Of course if I was off I would just sleep the whole week away but I’m not going to be productive awake, just miserable, so what’s the point?

It's Been a Great Friday the 13th!

I had a fabulous evening with my Aunt Lynn. We had dinner and talked then went to the bookstore and poured over books about blogging. I haven’t had someone I could talk to like I talk to her in a long time (besides the hubby). The amount of acceptance and understanding that she shows is amazing. What it really crazy is that I really feel like she “gets” me. We stayed at the book store until it closed looking at books and talking about stuff. It was so nice. We both are trying to figure out this whole blogging thing. It looks like I am going to have to give the whole Wordpress thing a little more thought. This is something that will actually cost some money to set up. I don’t think it is a huge investment, but it’s an investment none the less. There is also the problem of know-how and I am not convinced that I have the know-how just yet. The only problem is that the longer I wait to make up my mind the harder it will be to “switch” over. Plus, I have to really figure out if this is a fleeting obsession or something that will stick. I hate the thought of spending any money on this if I am not going to stick with it. WAIT! I just had a realization! I have already showed some improvement with my obsession issue without realizing it! Normally I would have bought every book I saw at the bookstore but I didn’t buy one single book. I would also normally have just jumped into the Wordpress thing without even researching it and not thought twice about spending money on it. Wow! Now I just have to figure out why I was able to control the obsession more than normal. Don’t get me wrong, I am still losing sleep over this and my level of productivity has taken a dive, but I think there has actually been a bit of progress!


Tomorrow I am going over to my Aunt’s house. I am excited. She has the coolest scrap booking room. It’s actually a separate small building in the back yard. I haven’t seen it in person but I have seen pictures and it is so beautiful! I just can’t wait. She calls it the Scrappy Cottage. Isn’t that adorable!? It’s the name of her blog too. She does the most amazing scrapbooks and posts some of them on her blog. There are also pics of The Scrappy Cottage too. Amazing stuff!

Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!

Still Blog Obsessed

Last night I didn’t sleep much even though I took my meds like I was supposed to. I just couldn’t quit thinking about my blog and trying to get Wordpress going. There is just so much more I want to be able to do with my blog and Blogger isn’t letting me do it. The problem is I don’t think I know enough to do what I want to do. Ugh! Later I am going to run to the bookstore and skim through Wordpress for Dummies. If it looks like I might be able to make sense of it I will go ahead and buy it. That might be a dumb idea but at least it’s the weekend now so if I stay up all night in a manic-obsessive fit it won’t be a big deal. What makes all of this even more stupid is that I will probably only ever reach a total of 10 followers, but I guess our blogs are just as much for us as they are for the rest of the world.

Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!

Manic Rambling

Well it is safe to say that blogging is my new “Bipolar Obsession”. This of course is not a technical term by any means. It’s just what I call the phases I go through where I get completely irrationally obsessed with and hyper focused on something. When this happens it is almost all I can think about. I lose sleep because of it and if I do sleep I literally dream about it. These obsessions happen in my manic and mixed states. I think I am bordering on manic at the moment. A lot of sleep was lost last night while I tinkered away here on my blog. I even skipped my Seroquel last night because I knew if I took the dose it would knock me out and my blog fun would end for the night. These obsessions drive me crazy (Quite literally, I guess). I knew I was in trouble this morning when I ended up with a glitch on my blog after tinkering a little too much. There are actual physical reactions I have when things I am obsessing over go even a little bit askew. My tummy starts to hurt and I can feel my pulse rate soar. It wouldn’t surprise me to find out that my blood pressure goes through the roof too. Sad to say, I haven’t been productive at work this morning. The glitch is finally fixed and I am hoping that blogging about all of this will allow me to move on and get some stuff done. Ugh!


What started it all was that I wanted to try and customize the template some more so I went to some websites and found a few templates and tried downloading them but they all had small glitches in them that were driving me crazy. With all of the downloading and deleting and redownloading I must have really pissed my blog off. My blogs were posting 2 or 3 times and the widgets and gadgets that were causing it were not giving me the option to delete them. I ended up having to start over in a way. Hopefully you won’t notice a difference in the blog because I basically gave up and tried to go completely back to the original design.

I also played around with Wordpress last night. Boy was that engrossing. It’s not quite as easy to navigate as Blogger/Blogspot but it seems as though you can customize it a great deal more, which it right up my alley. The only problem is that it adds a lot more fuel for my manic fire. If I am not careful I may end up with a full blown meltdown.

Yes, that’s right folks, a full blown meltdown over a fucking blog. That’s the story of my life and my Bullshit Bipolar Disorder. I am still trying to figure out the psychology behind such irrational meltdowns and still fiddling with cognitive and behavioral therapy techniques to work through the irrational torment that comes with these obsessions, but I haven’t got it figured out yet.

The first order of business tonight will be to take my blasted medicine so that I can get some sleep. I still can’t believe I got so caught up in my irrational thoughts and behaviors last night that I talked myself out of taking my meds. You think I would have learned by now.

Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!