Outpatient Group Therapy and Broke Down Truck

I have a ton of blogging to do. I have really slacked off this month. Since October 18 I have been in an outpatient program. It is much better than the other outpatient program that I have attended in the past but there is something that is still not clicking for me. I am putting forth effort and I am talking and opening up in group, even about issues that I had swore I wouldn’t talk about in a group setting, but feel stuck. It feels like I am missing the “fix” or “cure”. Now don’t get me wrong. I am fully aware that it’s not as easy as writing a prescription. The therapist can’t simply say “do a jig, jump up and down ten times, and recite the serenity prayer in a childlike voice” and then poof, I am cured, but I just feel like all we are doing is figuring out why we are fucked up and then not really spending time on the techniques needed to un-fuck up ourselves. Plus, I have never been completely sold on the group therapy concept, especially when it is the only form of therapy. I really feel like I need to be seeing a therapist one on one at least twice a week right now, but they ask that you don’t see any outside therapists of psychiatrists while in the program (what are we going steady?). This is something that I am going to have to talk to them about on Monday. I either need more out of this relationship or I am going to have to start seeing other people.
Of course there have been some med changes. I am now on Pristiq for depression instead of Lexapro. It is too soon to tell if it is working. My primary care physician also raised my thyroid medication a bit because the levels were a bit off. Maybe that will help with my energy level as well.
There hasn’t been any news regarding my short term disability. I am really trying not to stress about it, which is hard. To make matters worse, The Hubby’s truck broke down on Tuesday and he hasn’t been able to get it fixed. He has done a lot of work to it and can’t seem to find the problem. Of course it broke down at work which is an hour away from the house so he had to have it towed home which was expensive. He and his buddies at work did some work to it in the parking lot and thought they got it running but it broke down about two miles away in the middle of the road and there was no shoulder either. I was scared to death The Hubby was going to get run over. That was a really stressful night. So for the moment we are down to only one car and we are broke thanks to towing expenses and the money we have sunk into trying to fix the truck. It is actually good that I am not working right now because we can’t make our work schedules work with only one car, but I do get out of the outpatient program I am in early enough to get home so The Hubby can take the car to work. We are lucky in that manner.
Thankfully I have my Aunt Lynn who is a huge support to The Hubby and me. She is coming by later to get me so we can run errands and have dinner. It will be so good to see her.

Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!

Outpatient

The outpatient program is going well. This program is much better than the other program that I have been in the past 3 times I was hospitalized. It is more intensive, but I am very happy about that. My blogging is taking a back seat mainly because I am journaling so much. Journaling has always been helpful for me even in middle school and high school, but I don't always take the time to do it now that I am an adult. I let life get in the way too easily. The therapist in charge of the program is almost insistent that we journal so I have really been getting back into the habit. It is so very helpful and important. I am going to have to make myself keep it up.

As far as medication goes my doctor put me on Pristiq for my depression. We will see how that goes.

I turned in my paperwork for my short term disability today. This is something that has been a big source of anxiety for me. Hopefully things will go well. I have plenty of people in my court. My psychiatrist, therapist, and the people at the outpatient clinic. Surely that will be enough to give the insurance company what they want. We will see.

I am sure my spelling and grammar is off today. Sorry.

Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!

Too Much Going On

I am at the hospital with my mother in law. My stress level is extremely high. The Hubby is exhausted with working overtime and coming to the hospital after work. I worry about him. Our relationship with his family has always been shaky so these times add extra stress. His mother is not well and is currently living with The Hubby's grandparents, which is not a good situtation becasue both The Hubby's mom and grandfather require constant care by his grandmother. I don't know what we are going to do, but something has to be done. His grandmother is taking care of both of them and she doesn't need to keep doing so. Moving his mother in with us is not the answer because I am not stable enough to take care of anyone and I would be the one taking care of her because The Hubby is the major bread winner in the home. Plus, I think she needs professional care. She is too sick for non medical personell to be taking care of her.
I had my first therapy session with my new therapist today. It went well and I really like her. Things got off to a rough start because the office was in chaos when I arrived because someone didn't show up for work. The therapist was late getting to me because she didn't even know I was there. I was getting anxious while waiting and almost left but I stayed and I am glad I did. There was quite a bit of internal struggle about going at all because I have had maybe 6 hours sleep in the past 3 nights due to The Hubby's family being at our house and his mother being in the hospital so I almost blew the appointment off in leiu of sleep. I was proud of myself for reasoning myself into going because I realized I wouldn't actually sleep if I blew the appointment off so I made myself go. I must admit though that I didn't get a shower in and my hair is unbrushed and in a pony tail. I pray that I don't look or smell offensive.
A leave of absence from work may be in my future because I feel myself spiraling downhill. I don't have much vacation and sick time at work but I do have FMLA and short term disability, but I don't know what that covers. Trying to go through the channels of finding out overwhelms me, which is probably another sign that I need to do it. Sadly, I haven't even had a chance to talk with The Hubby about this yet. He is always supportive, so I am not worried about that, I just don't want to stress him out more. Of course pushing myself until I am back in the hospital again would certainly stress him out, so maybe a leave of absence would be best for all. I just hate doing it. The other issue is that my boss would end up finding out that I am crazy. I know there are laws and stuff but it will be obvious when my paper work comes from a psychiatrist. I dread them finding out. Honestly, I know my boss would be understanding but still...

Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!

Not Much Better

I got some really good sleep last night so that has helped my mental stability a little bit but not a lot. At least it is some improvement. Of course, I am off of work today so that means I have skirted my responsibilities and am not fully functioning.

My husband got the carpet pulled up in our bedroom and painted the floor. While this is something that we have wanted to do for years now it means our house is in disarray, even more so than normal. This has me highly stressed out. The bed is in the living room, the dresser in the master bathroom, the night stands are in the hallway, the clothes are in the dinning room. I am about to lose my mind. My aunt has done so much to help us get the house in order and now it feels like the house is back to where we started. I pray that once the bedroom gets put back together and I no longer have bedroom furniture strewn all over the house I will start to feel better.

I also saw my psychiatrist yesterday and she raised my antidepressant dosage. Next week I will also start therapy again. It worries me a little because it is one other thing on my plate. Obviously, it is completely necessary so I will have to make it work.

Tonight I am meeting with a lady who is interested in adopting Shandy. I really need this to work out. She is impossible around Kya and it is not fair to Kya. We also really need a break. Having 6 dogs in the house is completely overwhelming. I feel so guilty for taking a break, but I am close to falling apart.

Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!