Sunday, November 7, 2010

Graduate School Admissions Process ARGGGG!!!!!

I have decided to start graduate school in order to get my Master's in Social Work. I got the good news that I have not passed the deadline for the Spring Semester but I only have until Friday to get everything in. This is not a simple application that you just have to fill out and turn in. It requires an essay, matriculation plan, resume, 3 recomendations to the program and several other forms. I am having a full blown anxiety attack...heart pounding, stomach in knots, chest tight, feel like I may throw up or pass out. I want this so bad and I am so scared I won't get accepted. I have the resume completed exept for hours of profreading....there can be NO mistakes, none. I just started on the essay and have the first paragraph...but I have 5 more pages to go. Tomorrow I have to go and get started on getting official transcripts together. UGH! I though writing this would help, but it's not.
I will keep everyone posted.
Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Outpatient Group Therapy and Broke Down Truck

I have a ton of blogging to do. I have really slacked off this month. Since October 18 I have been in an outpatient program. It is much better than the other outpatient program that I have attended in the past but there is something that is still not clicking for me. I am putting forth effort and I am talking and opening up in group, even about issues that I had swore I wouldn’t talk about in a group setting, but feel stuck. It feels like I am missing the “fix” or “cure”. Now don’t get me wrong. I am fully aware that it’s not as easy as writing a prescription. The therapist can’t simply say “do a jig, jump up and down ten times, and recite the serenity prayer in a childlike voice” and then poof, I am cured, but I just feel like all we are doing is figuring out why we are fucked up and then not really spending time on the techniques needed to un-fuck up ourselves. Plus, I have never been completely sold on the group therapy concept, especially when it is the only form of therapy. I really feel like I need to be seeing a therapist one on one at least twice a week right now, but they ask that you don’t see any outside therapists of psychiatrists while in the program (what are we going steady?). This is something that I am going to have to talk to them about on Monday. I either need more out of this relationship or I am going to have to start seeing other people.
Of course there have been some med changes. I am now on Pristiq for depression instead of Lexapro. It is too soon to tell if it is working. My primary care physician also raised my thyroid medication a bit because the levels were a bit off. Maybe that will help with my energy level as well.
There hasn’t been any news regarding my short term disability. I am really trying not to stress about it, which is hard. To make matters worse, The Hubby’s truck broke down on Tuesday and he hasn’t been able to get it fixed. He has done a lot of work to it and can’t seem to find the problem. Of course it broke down at work which is an hour away from the house so he had to have it towed home which was expensive. He and his buddies at work did some work to it in the parking lot and thought they got it running but it broke down about two miles away in the middle of the road and there was no shoulder either. I was scared to death The Hubby was going to get run over. That was a really stressful night. So for the moment we are down to only one car and we are broke thanks to towing expenses and the money we have sunk into trying to fix the truck. It is actually good that I am not working right now because we can’t make our work schedules work with only one car, but I do get out of the outpatient program I am in early enough to get home so The Hubby can take the car to work. We are lucky in that manner.
Thankfully I have my Aunt Lynn who is a huge support to The Hubby and me. She is coming by later to get me so we can run errands and have dinner. It will be so good to see her.

Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!

Thursday, October 21, 2010


The outpatient program is going well. This program is much better than the other program that I have been in the past 3 times I was hospitalized. It is more intensive, but I am very happy about that. My blogging is taking a back seat mainly because I am journaling so much. Journaling has always been helpful for me even in middle school and high school, but I don't always take the time to do it now that I am an adult. I let life get in the way too easily. The therapist in charge of the program is almost insistent that we journal so I have really been getting back into the habit. It is so very helpful and important. I am going to have to make myself keep it up.

As far as medication goes my doctor put me on Pristiq for my depression. We will see how that goes.

I turned in my paperwork for my short term disability today. This is something that has been a big source of anxiety for me. Hopefully things will go well. I have plenty of people in my court. My psychiatrist, therapist, and the people at the outpatient clinic. Surely that will be enough to give the insurance company what they want. We will see.

I am sure my spelling and grammar is off today. Sorry.

Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Wear Purple 10/20/2010 in Support of LGBT teens!

The following is from the Spirit Day Facebook Page:
"On October 20th, 2010, we will wear purple in honor of the LGBT youth who have committed suicide in recent weeks/months due to homophobic abuse in their homes and schools.
PURPLE represents Spirit on the LGBTQ flag and that’s exactly what we’d like all of you to have with you: spirit. Please know that times will get better and that you will meet people who will love you and respect you for who you are, no matter your sexuality."

For those who are not from the USA we have recently had a rash of teen and young adult suicides due to bullying. Many were bullied due to their sexuality. THIS MUST STOP!!!! This is just one small way to show your support for the LGBT community and to stand up to bullies of all kinds.

Also, check out the Love Is Louder campaign.

Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Leave of Absence

My leave of absence from work started yesterday. The only thing I have left to do is battle with the insurance company regarding my Short Term Disability which will cover 60% of my salary while I am off. I am guessing this is going to be a battle.
Monday I have an appointment for admissions/enrollment in an outpatient program that my insurance is supposed to cover 100% which is absolutely remarkable. It is a women’s program and I am really looking forward to that. Dealing with my self esteem issues is hard enough but throw a bunch of men into the room with me and I just shut down completely. So I am hoping this program may be more helpful and fruitful than the other outpatient program I have attended the last 3 times I have gone. Anxiety is high but I am feeling pretty positive overall.

Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!

Saturday, October 9, 2010


There have been a lot of things happening this past week. I will be taking a leave of absence from work. Last week I spoke with my psychiatrist, therapist, HR director at work, my boss, and of course The Hubby and things are slowly falling into place. My boss was nothing but supportive and was not judgmental in the least. There is a great program that I will be enrolling in during my time off. It is sort of an outpatient program that is only for women. From the research I have done I think this will be better than the outpatient program I have attended in the past. The best part is that I spoke with the person who handles the insurance for the program and she said my insurance covers the program costs 100%. I was speechless when she said this and actually made her check again just to make sure. This next week will be focused on getting the FMLA paperwork done and wrapping up things at work. My appointment for assessment and enrollment in the program is a week from this coming Monday. I am having some anxiety about everything and I get completely overwhelmed at times but everyone is being very helpful and supportive. I am very lucky.

Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!

What Not To Say To Me When I Am Depressed

There are many things that people say to me when I am in the depths of depression that not only don’t help, but sometimes make things worse. Here are a few:

Watch a funny movie, go out and have some fun, do something nice for yourself.

Think positive thoughts. Be more positive. Don’t be so negative.

Grin and bear it. Just smile more.

It’s all in your head.

Are you taking your medications?

Just snap out of it. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. You just need a good kick in the butt.

This too shall pass.

Try losing some weight. (Not only does this make it worse but it also has the potential to make a person violent) I am not an imbecile and this is not a new concept for me. I have been trying to lose weight my whole life.

The worst by far is when people say things like “You have so much to be grateful for,” or “When you get depressed just think of all of those who are less fortunate than you.” This seems like a logical solution but the problem for me is that then leads to overwhelming feelings of guilt. Plus, just because I am depressed doesn’t mean I am ungrateful for what I have. I have written before about the Gratitude Perspective and I am a firm believer in it, but when I am in the depths of depression, guilt and feelings of worthlessness begin to boil and come to the surface when I look around me and take note of all of the things I have to be grateful for. Why was I lucky enough to be born in an amazing country where I have access to education, medical care, food, and clean running water when so many other people were born in the worst conditions known to humanity? Why was I lucky enough to end up with an amazingly supportive husband when there are women who are abused or ignored by their husbands? I am no better than those who are less fortunate than me. I am no more deserving of what I have than those who have less than what I do.

Now, for those of you reading my blog who might be feeling bad because you have said these things to me in the past I completely understand that you said these things out of love and a genuine intent to help, so don’t feel bad or guilty. I realize in some ways I am “preaching to the choir” but it helps to vent my frustration even if the message is not reaching the audience who most needs to hear it. Just think of this as a public service announcement of sorts. I am also interested to see what some other folks who deal with depression find unhelpful and frustrating.

Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!

Tuesday, October 5, 2010


I am starting to think a leave of absence from work may be necessary. My therapist and I spent my whole session today discussing my depression and the benefits of me taking leave. I was hoping that once the drama with The Hubby’s mom calmed down that I would feel better, but I don’t. I seem to just be getting worse. I don’t think I have worked a full work week in over a month. When I am at work I can’t function. When I am at home I can’t function either. Taking a shower or brushing my hair is overwhelming. Getting dressed takes all of the metal effort I have. I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything. I don’t even read much anymore. I am rarely online and my blog is slow going. I don’t want to shop and I don’t want to go to the bookstore. I don’t want to go anywhere but I don’t want to be at home either. Sleeping is the only thing I find enjoyable and that isn’t even the right word because I don’t really enjoy it, it just allows me an escape. I just don’t want to stress The Hubby out anymore than he is already stressed. I go see my psychiatrist tomorrow afternoon and I will see what she thinks. Maybe that will help me make up my mind. I still haven’t gotten the courage to talk to my boss yet. That really scares me and drains me of all of my energy just thinking about it.

Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Too Much Going On

I am at the hospital with my mother in law. My stress level is extremely high. The Hubby is exhausted with working overtime and coming to the hospital after work. I worry about him. Our relationship with his family has always been shaky so these times add extra stress. His mother is not well and is currently living with The Hubby's grandparents, which is not a good situtation becasue both The Hubby's mom and grandfather require constant care by his grandmother. I don't know what we are going to do, but something has to be done. His grandmother is taking care of both of them and she doesn't need to keep doing so. Moving his mother in with us is not the answer because I am not stable enough to take care of anyone and I would be the one taking care of her because The Hubby is the major bread winner in the home. Plus, I think she needs professional care. She is too sick for non medical personell to be taking care of her.
I had my first therapy session with my new therapist today. It went well and I really like her. Things got off to a rough start because the office was in chaos when I arrived because someone didn't show up for work. The therapist was late getting to me because she didn't even know I was there. I was getting anxious while waiting and almost left but I stayed and I am glad I did. There was quite a bit of internal struggle about going at all because I have had maybe 6 hours sleep in the past 3 nights due to The Hubby's family being at our house and his mother being in the hospital so I almost blew the appointment off in leiu of sleep. I was proud of myself for reasoning myself into going because I realized I wouldn't actually sleep if I blew the appointment off so I made myself go. I must admit though that I didn't get a shower in and my hair is unbrushed and in a pony tail. I pray that I don't look or smell offensive.
A leave of absence from work may be in my future because I feel myself spiraling downhill. I don't have much vacation and sick time at work but I do have FMLA and short term disability, but I don't know what that covers. Trying to go through the channels of finding out overwhelms me, which is probably another sign that I need to do it. Sadly, I haven't even had a chance to talk with The Hubby about this yet. He is always supportive, so I am not worried about that, I just don't want to stress him out more. Of course pushing myself until I am back in the hospital again would certainly stress him out, so maybe a leave of absence would be best for all. I just hate doing it. The other issue is that my boss would end up finding out that I am crazy. I know there are laws and stuff but it will be obvious when my paper work comes from a psychiatrist. I dread them finding out. Honestly, I know my boss would be understanding but still...

Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!

Sunday, September 26, 2010

The Homeless Gentelman and His Dog

The Hubby and I were on our way home from dinner last night when I spotted a homeless gentleman and his dog walking on the side of the highway. There is nothing, and I mean NOTHING, that gets to me more than a homeless person and their dog. Due to the fact that we are involved in dog rescue we usually have dog food in our car at all times. Thankfully, last night was no exception. As with all of my attempt at good deeds lately, I came very close to screwing this one up as well. When we first spotted the gentleman and his dog they were on the opposite side of the highway so I had to exit the highway and turn around. By the time we got back to where we saw him they had disappeared. After a few minutes of looking and going up and down the highway we were able to find him. The Hubby was kind enough to get out and give the food to the gentleman while I stayed in the car for safety reasons. People are notorious for going 80 miles an hour down that stretch of highway and my door was to the side of traffic. I watched as The Hubby greeted the gentleman and his dog. Both were kind and excited to meet The Hubby. The sweet doggy jumped up and said hello and The Hubby gave him some petting and loving. The gentleman shook The Hubby’s hand and thanked him for the food and the measly $8 we had in cash. I am sad that there are no shelters in the Dallas/Fort Worth area for homeless people and their pets. This made me wonder if there were any shelters at all like that in the country. Oddly enough when we got home I was watching Pit Boss on Animal Planet and the show was about that exact subject. The Pit Bull rescue was doing a blanket drive for a shelter that specifically shelters those who are homeless and have pets. This of course was in Los Angeles, but it made me feel a tiny bit better that somewhere there is a place for these amazing folks who have so little and chose to share what little they have with a dog who is most likely their only companion in life, and possibly the only live being who gives them unconditional love, friendship, joy, comfort, and respect.

Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!