The outpatient program is going well. This program is much better than the other program that I have been in the past 3 times I was hospitalized. It is more intensive, but I am very happy about that. My blogging is taking a back seat mainly because I am journaling so much. Journaling has always been helpful for me even in middle school and high school, but I don't always take the time to do it now that I am an adult. I let life get in the way too easily. The therapist in charge of the program is almost insistent that we journal so I have really been getting back into the habit. It is so very helpful and important. I am going to have to make myself keep it up.
As far as medication goes my doctor put me on Pristiq for my depression. We will see how that goes.
I turned in my paperwork for my short term disability today. This is something that has been a big source of anxiety for me. Hopefully things will go well. I have plenty of people in my court. My psychiatrist, therapist, and the people at the outpatient clinic. Surely that will be enough to give the insurance company what they want. We will see.
I am sure my spelling and grammar is off today. Sorry.
Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!
Showing posts with label Work. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Work. Show all posts
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Leave of Absence
My leave of absence from work started yesterday. The only thing I have left to do is battle with the insurance company regarding my Short Term Disability which will cover 60% of my salary while I am off. I am guessing this is going to be a battle.
Monday I have an appointment for admissions/enrollment in an outpatient program that my insurance is supposed to cover 100% which is absolutely remarkable. It is a women’s program and I am really looking forward to that. Dealing with my self esteem issues is hard enough but throw a bunch of men into the room with me and I just shut down completely. So I am hoping this program may be more helpful and fruitful than the other outpatient program I have attended the last 3 times I have gone. Anxiety is high but I am feeling pretty positive overall.
Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Update
There have been a lot of things happening this past week. I will be taking a leave of absence from work. Last week I spoke with my psychiatrist, therapist, HR director at work, my boss, and of course The Hubby and things are slowly falling into place. My boss was nothing but supportive and was not judgmental in the least. There is a great program that I will be enrolling in during my time off. It is sort of an outpatient program that is only for women. From the research I have done I think this will be better than the outpatient program I have attended in the past. The best part is that I spoke with the person who handles the insurance for the program and she said my insurance covers the program costs 100%. I was speechless when she said this and actually made her check again just to make sure. This next week will be focused on getting the FMLA paperwork done and wrapping up things at work. My appointment for assessment and enrollment in the program is a week from this coming Monday. I am having some anxiety about everything and I get completely overwhelmed at times but everyone is being very helpful and supportive. I am very lucky.
Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Depression
I am starting to think a leave of absence from work may be necessary. My therapist and I spent my whole session today discussing my depression and the benefits of me taking leave. I was hoping that once the drama with The Hubby’s mom calmed down that I would feel better, but I don’t. I seem to just be getting worse. I don’t think I have worked a full work week in over a month. When I am at work I can’t function. When I am at home I can’t function either. Taking a shower or brushing my hair is overwhelming. Getting dressed takes all of the metal effort I have. I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything. I don’t even read much anymore. I am rarely online and my blog is slow going. I don’t want to shop and I don’t want to go to the bookstore. I don’t want to go anywhere but I don’t want to be at home either. Sleeping is the only thing I find enjoyable and that isn’t even the right word because I don’t really enjoy it, it just allows me an escape. I just don’t want to stress The Hubby out anymore than he is already stressed. I go see my psychiatrist tomorrow afternoon and I will see what she thinks. Maybe that will help me make up my mind. I still haven’t gotten the courage to talk to my boss yet. That really scares me and drains me of all of my energy just thinking about it.
Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Too Much Going On
I am at the hospital with my mother in law. My stress level is extremely high. The Hubby is exhausted with working overtime and coming to the hospital after work. I worry about him. Our relationship with his family has always been shaky so these times add extra stress. His mother is not well and is currently living with The Hubby's grandparents, which is not a good situtation becasue both The Hubby's mom and grandfather require constant care by his grandmother. I don't know what we are going to do, but something has to be done. His grandmother is taking care of both of them and she doesn't need to keep doing so. Moving his mother in with us is not the answer because I am not stable enough to take care of anyone and I would be the one taking care of her because The Hubby is the major bread winner in the home. Plus, I think she needs professional care. She is too sick for non medical personell to be taking care of her.
I had my first therapy session with my new therapist today. It went well and I really like her. Things got off to a rough start because the office was in chaos when I arrived because someone didn't show up for work. The therapist was late getting to me because she didn't even know I was there. I was getting anxious while waiting and almost left but I stayed and I am glad I did. There was quite a bit of internal struggle about going at all because I have had maybe 6 hours sleep in the past 3 nights due to The Hubby's family being at our house and his mother being in the hospital so I almost blew the appointment off in leiu of sleep. I was proud of myself for reasoning myself into going because I realized I wouldn't actually sleep if I blew the appointment off so I made myself go. I must admit though that I didn't get a shower in and my hair is unbrushed and in a pony tail. I pray that I don't look or smell offensive.
A leave of absence from work may be in my future because I feel myself spiraling downhill. I don't have much vacation and sick time at work but I do have FMLA and short term disability, but I don't know what that covers. Trying to go through the channels of finding out overwhelms me, which is probably another sign that I need to do it. Sadly, I haven't even had a chance to talk with The Hubby about this yet. He is always supportive, so I am not worried about that, I just don't want to stress him out more. Of course pushing myself until I am back in the hospital again would certainly stress him out, so maybe a leave of absence would be best for all. I just hate doing it. The other issue is that my boss would end up finding out that I am crazy. I know there are laws and stuff but it will be obvious when my paper work comes from a psychiatrist. I dread them finding out. Honestly, I know my boss would be understanding but still...
Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!
I had my first therapy session with my new therapist today. It went well and I really like her. Things got off to a rough start because the office was in chaos when I arrived because someone didn't show up for work. The therapist was late getting to me because she didn't even know I was there. I was getting anxious while waiting and almost left but I stayed and I am glad I did. There was quite a bit of internal struggle about going at all because I have had maybe 6 hours sleep in the past 3 nights due to The Hubby's family being at our house and his mother being in the hospital so I almost blew the appointment off in leiu of sleep. I was proud of myself for reasoning myself into going because I realized I wouldn't actually sleep if I blew the appointment off so I made myself go. I must admit though that I didn't get a shower in and my hair is unbrushed and in a pony tail. I pray that I don't look or smell offensive.
A leave of absence from work may be in my future because I feel myself spiraling downhill. I don't have much vacation and sick time at work but I do have FMLA and short term disability, but I don't know what that covers. Trying to go through the channels of finding out overwhelms me, which is probably another sign that I need to do it. Sadly, I haven't even had a chance to talk with The Hubby about this yet. He is always supportive, so I am not worried about that, I just don't want to stress him out more. Of course pushing myself until I am back in the hospital again would certainly stress him out, so maybe a leave of absence would be best for all. I just hate doing it. The other issue is that my boss would end up finding out that I am crazy. I know there are laws and stuff but it will be obvious when my paper work comes from a psychiatrist. I dread them finding out. Honestly, I know my boss would be understanding but still...
Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Evil Women From Work!
This won’t be the nicest or most sensitive of posts that I will ever write. Please forgive me for that; I just happen to be really pissed off at the moment. I am so sick of some of these bitches that I work with. The funny thing about the situation is that the two of the worst ones are the “Christians” who are always talking about what wonderful “Christians” they are and then turn around and stab people in the back and say the UGLIEST things about people. Seriously, in less than one minute they will go from praising God for some random and stupid event (like finding a file that they had misplaced) to badmouthing their coworkers for any number of reasons.
For those who follow me on Facebook some of this will be a rehash of events over the past few weeks but I feel like I need to tell the whole story in order to really be able to let go.
One of the women that I am referring to was a “best friend”. I will refer to her as Y. She is a single mom with 4 wonderful kids. Due to the fact that she is a single mom (and that she is manipulative beyond belief) my husband and I began to help her out when we could. We spent about $1,000 on them at Christmas, buying the children a Nintendo Wii and her a Coach bag. Then the oldest made the drill team at school which was $800. Due to the fact that Y is a single mom with four kids she could not afford to pay that kind of money for extracurricular activities, my husband and I paid for that because Y’s daughter is a great kid and does well in school. Plus, I am a firm believer that the more involved kids are in extracurricular activities at school the less trouble they will get into.
Things started to go down hill with Y during this time. I guess part of the reason is that I was starting to spend more time with her and see who she really was. Being at her house was becoming increasingly uncomfortable for me because of the way she would yell and scream at the children, even with me present. Then she constantly griped to me about what a problem the oldest child was and how horrible she was. When I would ask Y about what was going on, Y would say that the oldest was just disrespectful and talked back to her all of the time. This just didn’t seem to be a good enough reason to bad mouth your own daughter in the way that Y did. She then started to threaten to take the oldest out of drill team even after my husband and I had paid so much money for her to be in it. This became a weekly drama, kind of like an on again off again relationship. The drama was just never ending. Again, the only reason behind Y wanting to take the oldest off of the drill team was because she was being disrespectful. She wasn’t failing school, sneaking out, getting in trouble at school, stealing, or getting in trouble with the law. I tried my best to remind myself that these were Y’s kids and she has the right to raise them the way she wants, but we had talked about this with her before we paid all of the money for the oldest to be on drill team. We had told Y that this was a big commitment for us and we didn’t want her to take the oldest off of drill team as punishment (unless it was for failing school, which the school would kick her off the team automatically) and she agreed.
Next came the parent meetings and fundraisers that Y expected me to do. Really? I just forked over $800 but she can’t go to a parent meeting or do the fundraisers (which simply include selling concessions at football games and dance shows). I finally told her this last weekend that I would not be doing the meetings and fundraisers and that I felt her expectations of me doing so were overwhelming.
The last straw was when she had made a comment about the kid’s cell phones being turned off because the bill was due. She made the comment that she couldn’t pay it. My hubby and I talked about it and decided to pay it for her. This was met with a phone call from Y in which she cussed me out, yelled at me and told me that I would be reversing the payment immediately. I even took off work the next day to take care of getting the payment reversed. When I went back to work the day after that she accused me of lying to her about getting the payment reversed. Thankfully, I had the receipt from the payment reversal with me and went down to my car to get it. She then chewed me out AGAIN because I was angry with her for accusing me of lying. Sadly, it took me a while to realize that I don’t deserve to be treated this way at all!
Two weeks ago things really came to a head at work. Two of my other coworkers finally broke thier silence and we all began to compare notes and what do you know? She is a manipulative, back stabbing, bad mouthing, lying Bitch! She had told my coworkers that the day things went down about the phone bill she was reprimanding me because I was disrespectful to our boss! That is soooooo laughable for anyone who truly knows me. Plus, Y has no right to reprimand me in any way, shape or form since she is below me on the totem poll at work (I don’t like looking at things like that because I think what we all do is important, I don’t care if you are the janitor or CEO, but I am angry and trying to make a point so please forgive). She was also telling people that I am always sneaking food at my desk and that my drawers at work are full of food that I sneak through out the day. All of this is really funny since I don’t keep ANY food at my desk and I don’t ever sneak around and eat. She knew this would hurt me though because she knows I am self conscious about my weight. Though she shouldn’t be talking because she isn’t thin either and hides food from her kids and sneaks around eating it so she doesn’t have to share with them.
The things she said about my coworkers were unforgivable though. Y was spreading rumors about one coworker (I will call her A) saying that the A’s husband was sleeping with someone else and even had a love child with that woman. I was shocked to hear this because there appeared to be nothing amiss with A. Y continued to bad mouth that coworker saying that A was fake and was just trying to save face because A thought she was better than everybody else. Come to find out it wasn’t A’s husband that had been cheating it was Y’s husband who had cheated on her and had a baby with another woman.
Everything kind of blew up this past Friday. I wasn’t at work because my cousin had come into town. I had not seen her in 20 years and she was coming to see her sister (my other cousin Gwen) due to her recent cervical cancer diagnosis. Anyway, Y proceeded to call me 9 times, text me 3 times and PM me once through Facebook. Can we say psycho? She said she didn’t understand why I didn’t want to be her friend anymore and that she didn’t have time to talk about anyone behind their back because she was dealing with breast cancer. Now, to be honest, none of us at work really believe her about having breast cancer. Even if it is true, I am still not going to be your friend out of pity. Just because you have cancer doesn’t mean you get to treat me like shit and I have to take it. Plus she needs to learn the right way to treat people. Besides, if you’re an island you don’t go around burning bridges!
It’s sad though because I really think Y is just miserable and jealous. She resents her oldest daughter because she had her at such a young age. She resents the fact that A and I both have good men who love us. She resents my other coworker because she is single and not tied down by 4 children. She resents me and my hubby because we are able to spoil ourselves because we don’t have the financial responsibility of 4 children.
Now Y is all chummy with the other “Christian” at work (I will call her Q), who she used to bad mouth all of the time for being a fake Christian. Such a sick mess of people really. I am so tired of it. It is to the point now that I just want to vomit every time I see their face or hear their voice. Now I just ignore them to the best of my ability. Sometimes it is hard though.
One of my coworkers told me today that Q was talking to Y the other day and badmouthing me because I took all of the pics I had of Y’s kids down from my cubicle. Q said something snide about the fact that I have more pics of dogs up in my cubicle than I do of people. Yep, I do, and both Y and Q are the reasons I sometimes prefer dogs over people. Seriously, who would you rather spend your time with, Y and Q or my sweet Skittle, Budddy, Tuggy or Jazzy? Hell, I would rather spend time with a rabid dog than Y and Q!
Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!
For those who follow me on Facebook some of this will be a rehash of events over the past few weeks but I feel like I need to tell the whole story in order to really be able to let go.
One of the women that I am referring to was a “best friend”. I will refer to her as Y. She is a single mom with 4 wonderful kids. Due to the fact that she is a single mom (and that she is manipulative beyond belief) my husband and I began to help her out when we could. We spent about $1,000 on them at Christmas, buying the children a Nintendo Wii and her a Coach bag. Then the oldest made the drill team at school which was $800. Due to the fact that Y is a single mom with four kids she could not afford to pay that kind of money for extracurricular activities, my husband and I paid for that because Y’s daughter is a great kid and does well in school. Plus, I am a firm believer that the more involved kids are in extracurricular activities at school the less trouble they will get into.
Things started to go down hill with Y during this time. I guess part of the reason is that I was starting to spend more time with her and see who she really was. Being at her house was becoming increasingly uncomfortable for me because of the way she would yell and scream at the children, even with me present. Then she constantly griped to me about what a problem the oldest child was and how horrible she was. When I would ask Y about what was going on, Y would say that the oldest was just disrespectful and talked back to her all of the time. This just didn’t seem to be a good enough reason to bad mouth your own daughter in the way that Y did. She then started to threaten to take the oldest out of drill team even after my husband and I had paid so much money for her to be in it. This became a weekly drama, kind of like an on again off again relationship. The drama was just never ending. Again, the only reason behind Y wanting to take the oldest off of the drill team was because she was being disrespectful. She wasn’t failing school, sneaking out, getting in trouble at school, stealing, or getting in trouble with the law. I tried my best to remind myself that these were Y’s kids and she has the right to raise them the way she wants, but we had talked about this with her before we paid all of the money for the oldest to be on drill team. We had told Y that this was a big commitment for us and we didn’t want her to take the oldest off of drill team as punishment (unless it was for failing school, which the school would kick her off the team automatically) and she agreed.
Next came the parent meetings and fundraisers that Y expected me to do. Really? I just forked over $800 but she can’t go to a parent meeting or do the fundraisers (which simply include selling concessions at football games and dance shows). I finally told her this last weekend that I would not be doing the meetings and fundraisers and that I felt her expectations of me doing so were overwhelming.
The last straw was when she had made a comment about the kid’s cell phones being turned off because the bill was due. She made the comment that she couldn’t pay it. My hubby and I talked about it and decided to pay it for her. This was met with a phone call from Y in which she cussed me out, yelled at me and told me that I would be reversing the payment immediately. I even took off work the next day to take care of getting the payment reversed. When I went back to work the day after that she accused me of lying to her about getting the payment reversed. Thankfully, I had the receipt from the payment reversal with me and went down to my car to get it. She then chewed me out AGAIN because I was angry with her for accusing me of lying. Sadly, it took me a while to realize that I don’t deserve to be treated this way at all!
Two weeks ago things really came to a head at work. Two of my other coworkers finally broke thier silence and we all began to compare notes and what do you know? She is a manipulative, back stabbing, bad mouthing, lying Bitch! She had told my coworkers that the day things went down about the phone bill she was reprimanding me because I was disrespectful to our boss! That is soooooo laughable for anyone who truly knows me. Plus, Y has no right to reprimand me in any way, shape or form since she is below me on the totem poll at work (I don’t like looking at things like that because I think what we all do is important, I don’t care if you are the janitor or CEO, but I am angry and trying to make a point so please forgive). She was also telling people that I am always sneaking food at my desk and that my drawers at work are full of food that I sneak through out the day. All of this is really funny since I don’t keep ANY food at my desk and I don’t ever sneak around and eat. She knew this would hurt me though because she knows I am self conscious about my weight. Though she shouldn’t be talking because she isn’t thin either and hides food from her kids and sneaks around eating it so she doesn’t have to share with them.
The things she said about my coworkers were unforgivable though. Y was spreading rumors about one coworker (I will call her A) saying that the A’s husband was sleeping with someone else and even had a love child with that woman. I was shocked to hear this because there appeared to be nothing amiss with A. Y continued to bad mouth that coworker saying that A was fake and was just trying to save face because A thought she was better than everybody else. Come to find out it wasn’t A’s husband that had been cheating it was Y’s husband who had cheated on her and had a baby with another woman.
Everything kind of blew up this past Friday. I wasn’t at work because my cousin had come into town. I had not seen her in 20 years and she was coming to see her sister (my other cousin Gwen) due to her recent cervical cancer diagnosis. Anyway, Y proceeded to call me 9 times, text me 3 times and PM me once through Facebook. Can we say psycho? She said she didn’t understand why I didn’t want to be her friend anymore and that she didn’t have time to talk about anyone behind their back because she was dealing with breast cancer. Now, to be honest, none of us at work really believe her about having breast cancer. Even if it is true, I am still not going to be your friend out of pity. Just because you have cancer doesn’t mean you get to treat me like shit and I have to take it. Plus she needs to learn the right way to treat people. Besides, if you’re an island you don’t go around burning bridges!
It’s sad though because I really think Y is just miserable and jealous. She resents her oldest daughter because she had her at such a young age. She resents the fact that A and I both have good men who love us. She resents my other coworker because she is single and not tied down by 4 children. She resents me and my hubby because we are able to spoil ourselves because we don’t have the financial responsibility of 4 children.
Now Y is all chummy with the other “Christian” at work (I will call her Q), who she used to bad mouth all of the time for being a fake Christian. Such a sick mess of people really. I am so tired of it. It is to the point now that I just want to vomit every time I see their face or hear their voice. Now I just ignore them to the best of my ability. Sometimes it is hard though.
One of my coworkers told me today that Q was talking to Y the other day and badmouthing me because I took all of the pics I had of Y’s kids down from my cubicle. Q said something snide about the fact that I have more pics of dogs up in my cubicle than I do of people. Yep, I do, and both Y and Q are the reasons I sometimes prefer dogs over people. Seriously, who would you rather spend your time with, Y and Q or my sweet Skittle, Budddy, Tuggy or Jazzy? Hell, I would rather spend time with a rabid dog than Y and Q!
Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Blah, Blah, Blah
I think I will just ramble tonight. I have a lot on my mind.
Borderline Personality Disorder is still on my mind. I am still convinced that this may be what is wrong with me. Now the question is what do I do about it? Should I even bring it up with my psychiatrist? Is it going to change how she treats me? Will she even agree? Does it even matter?
My Aunt came over Monday and began helping me get my house clean and in order. There are not words for how much I appreciate this. I have been too embarrassed to ask for help for a very long time. Plus, I am not all that fond of having strangers around my dogs. My Aunt is wonderful and so nonjudgmental and loves my doggies! She even wants to help me paint and decorate! That would be doubly amazing because she has a real talent for that kind of thing and I have an amazing LACK of talent for that kind of thing.
Work is crazy. I can’t focus for the life of me and haven’t gotten a damn thing done in almost a month. The girl who was once my best friend has managed to stab almost everyone in the back and no one in my unit at work is talking to her. I am still working on my lessons for this whole situation. Oddly enough I am not near as hurt as I thought I would be. Honestly, I am more disgusted by the whole thing and I feel a bit sorry for her because it is clear that she is miserable in her life and just jealous of what we all have.
This whole Islam-hate issue is still baffling to me. Seriously, a Koran burning? Grow the fuck up. You can’t burn the holy book of an entire religion and say you are only doing it in protest of the radicals of that that religion. It would be like burning the Bible because of Fred Phelps.
There was some interesting breaking news this week. Stephen Hawkins said God did not create the universe. In other news, Sarah Palin is still an idiot and embarrassment to human kind.
Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!
Borderline Personality Disorder is still on my mind. I am still convinced that this may be what is wrong with me. Now the question is what do I do about it? Should I even bring it up with my psychiatrist? Is it going to change how she treats me? Will she even agree? Does it even matter?
My Aunt came over Monday and began helping me get my house clean and in order. There are not words for how much I appreciate this. I have been too embarrassed to ask for help for a very long time. Plus, I am not all that fond of having strangers around my dogs. My Aunt is wonderful and so nonjudgmental and loves my doggies! She even wants to help me paint and decorate! That would be doubly amazing because she has a real talent for that kind of thing and I have an amazing LACK of talent for that kind of thing.
Work is crazy. I can’t focus for the life of me and haven’t gotten a damn thing done in almost a month. The girl who was once my best friend has managed to stab almost everyone in the back and no one in my unit at work is talking to her. I am still working on my lessons for this whole situation. Oddly enough I am not near as hurt as I thought I would be. Honestly, I am more disgusted by the whole thing and I feel a bit sorry for her because it is clear that she is miserable in her life and just jealous of what we all have.
This whole Islam-hate issue is still baffling to me. Seriously, a Koran burning? Grow the fuck up. You can’t burn the holy book of an entire religion and say you are only doing it in protest of the radicals of that that religion. It would be like burning the Bible because of Fred Phelps.
There was some interesting breaking news this week. Stephen Hawkins said God did not create the universe. In other news, Sarah Palin is still an idiot and embarrassment to human kind.
Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!
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