This is always a tough decision to make, to talk about my disorder or not? There is a lot of stigma associated with it and I sometimes forget how judgmental people can be about anything and everything, but the stigma and judgments will never stop if someone doesn’t speak up. For those that know me they know that speaking up may be what I do best.
I have Bipolar II Disorder which can be thought of as a “milder” form of Bipolar I. What gives me the most trouble is MAJOR depression. My manias or “high periods” usually manifest itself in insomnia and shopping obsessions. I go through weird phases with my shopping. One time it was Bath and Body Works and several times it has been purses of one “brand” or another. What makes it abnormal is the amount of shopping that I do and the fact that a great deal of what I buy I don’t actually use. It becomes somewhat obsessive-compulsive.
Along with all of this comes major self esteem issues. It is funny though because I have had several people describe me as a confident person which absolutely floors me because it is so far from the truth. I don’t even intentionally try to act confident and I certainly don’t feel confident, so how I come across that way is a mystery to me.
Yes, I have been hospitalized in the “loony bin” 3 times over the last 5 years. No, I was not rocking and drooling on myself, I was not wearing tin foil on my head, I didn’t want to go on a killing rampage (unless it included ONLY myself), I didn’t think I was Jesus or a reincarnation of Jesus. Most “loony bins” are not what you see on TV. They are more like regular hospitals but with out all of the IV drips and medical equipment and the horrible patient attire. My stays were all just under a week long, enough time to get my meds adjusted and get me out of bed or out of the mall on a constant basis.
Other than that my life is relatively normal. I graduated college (Magna Cum Laude I might add) and have a full time job. I am happily married. The only “normal” thing I don’t feel like I can or want to do is have children. There are a ton of reasons for that and they are not all related to my disorder. Now, does all of this “normalcy” come easy for me? NO. Medication and therapy make it easier but it is a struggle.
I will write more about this in the future and I hope those that read this will at least try to be understanding and open minded.
See you on the flip side!
Tiny Giraffe Kisses To Everyone!